Monday, June 20, 2011

I Have Found Hell

I have found hell.

It is a bar in Martinez, next to WalMart, and it is called Cue and Brew.

Holy jack rabbit fucking christ.

Let me set the scene for you. Martinez is a town in the east bay, where married people go to raise kids and dreams go to die. Two types of people come from Martinez; people like myself, Emcee, and BrotherS who are raised there but want to get out of there as soon as possible, and then there are the people who will never leave Martinez, and they will stay there until they give life to a herd of young, soulless offspring that will continue this tradition of having no ambitions, who will give birth to the next generation of cave people and so on, and so on, rinse and repeat.

This bar is full of the second type of people, and by nature these people INFURIATE me.

Emcee, BrotherS, and Myself walk in through the front door where we are greeted with the sound of Ke$sha's song "Tic-Toc" being sung by a fat chick with a karaoke machine who sounded like she was doing a Helen Keller impression.

I am unhappy.


The Brothers Dare at Cue and Brew, 6/19/11


We go to play pool, because that is the only thing that this bar has to offer besides alcohol problems and inbreeding. LittleBear joins us.

Emcee and I run into a friend of ours from high school who is celebrating his 21st birthday here. At Cue and Brew. I pity him. Yet, at the same time, I'm thankful that I am not him. It's a bittersweet feeling.

I buy a beer. It is $4 for a pint of beer at this  fucking dive bar in Armpit, California. That is San Francisco prices.

I am angry.

This bar presents to me a situation I have never encountered before. Most bars you will see a good mix of hot girls and DUFFs (Dumb, Ugly, Fat Friends. If you don't know what a DUFF is, see my blog post which will come later. For now, all you need to know is that the DUFF is the one who stops guys from flirting with the hot chick. She is Captain Cock Block.)

Cue and Brew breaks all laws of nature, because there isn't a mix of hot chicks and DUFFS, there are just DUFFs. Only DUFFs. A plethora  of DUFFs. So many fat, ugly, dumb ass women. And not just girls, men two. So many fat, ugly, dumb ass people. In one room.

If I liked having sex with rolls of cellulite, I would have been in heaven.

And someone kept feeding them alcohol! Someone wanted these wastes of oxygen to get drunk and become even more stupid. If I had bombed this bar, I would have been acquitted because I did the world a favor. I'm pretty sure the judge would wink at me at my trial. 

Three of these disasters on legs get up and do a tone-deaf version of "Lady Marmalade".

I am enraged.

We finish our game of pool, after being in this hell hole for almost an hour, and go to return the pool balls. The women at the bar hands us a bill. IT COSTS $11 AN HOUR TO PLAY POOL! Are you fucking kidding me? So not only do I have to listen to these sub-humans sing renditions of "Lovin is What I Got" and "I Like It When You Call Me Big Poppa" but I have to pay them an hourly wage to play pool?

I am beyond furious.

The one redeeming moment of this entire experience happened on our way out. I got a glimpse of a middle-aged woman sitting at the edge of the bar, drinking a Cosmopolitan, alone, and clearly asking herself where her life went wrong. I wonder if she can pinpoint the exact moment?

No matter what has gone wrong in my life, I can always take comfort in the fact that I am not drinking alone at the Cue and Brew.

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